Dear Angel
by TheSilentQuill
Summary: Post RENT. Mark writes letters to Angel to tell of love, life, death and HIV. MR challenge fic. Warnings: Slash, character death, HIV, some swearing


_Notes: Written for Becky under the prompt a Mark/Roger story told through letters. The plot is up to the writer, but be sure to include a movie reference(to any movie, not just RENT), Mark's scarf and camera, Roger's guitar and the color green. This was part of a fic echange at rentific challenge.

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December 28, 10:00 PM EST

Dear Angel,

I guess this may seem weird to some people that I write to you when you've been gone for a couple of months now. I needed to talk to someone, but I'm afraid. Collins has a lot to deal with. Mo and Jo are too wrapped up with each other. And Roger? He's part of what I need to talk to you about. When you were alive, you always took the time to listen to me. Hell, you even got me to put down the camera once in a while and just tell you how I felt straight out. I like to believe that you're sitting beside me and reading these words as I print them. Who knows? Maybe you are.

I guess you already know that Mimi died today. Hell, she's probably sitting beside you while you two share a joke about my paler-than-usual appearance. Roger's taking it hard. He really loved her, you know. That kind of love that touches the very corners of your soul. He looks like a piece of him is missing. He has the same haunted look that Collins has now that you're gone.

I've never loved that deeply. Maureen and I were little more than fuck buddies. Our souls never came close to touching, let alone melding completely into each other. It hurt when she left me, but not the gut-wrenching absence that I see in Collins every day. Or in Roger now.

Sometimes I worry that I'll never experience true love. Not in that way. When I die, will someone feel like they've lost part of themselves or will I only be remembered for my scarf and my camera?

I know you can't write back, but I feel better knowing that somehow, somewhere in the universe, you're still listening to the feelings of an insecure man.

Mark.

January 2, 11:00 PM EST

Dear Angel,

Her funeral was today. For the past few days, Roger had locked himself in his room. I could hear sorrowful notes coming from his guitar. He wrote another song. At the church, he could barely hold himself up, but managed to stand straight when it was his turn to share a memory. He sang his new song instead.

I know music is the language of the soul but I had never experienced that truly until today. The notes from the guitar pierced my defenses and tore into my heart. I never experienced such longing or heartache before in my life. The lyrics told of joy, trust and loss. I know they have helped Roger to heal, but I fear that I've been broken in the process.

Last year I went around asking people what their New Year's Resolutions were. This year I think I'll settle for learning to live without my absent friends. I miss you, Angel.

Mark.

February 5, 3:00 PM EST

Dear Angel,

Collins is slowly recovering and getting back to being himself. The bank discovered the reprogrammed ATM at the Food Emporium, so Collins decided to take on another challenge. He somehow got the cash registers there to read the bar codes so all of the prices come out as one cent. The catch is you have to scan a box of Captain Crunch first at regular cost. It's not as good as the unlimited cash, but at least we can eat fairly regularly.

Roger is also slowly returning to his old self... meaning the way he used to be before April. Since the funeral, he's been inspired and has written three more songs. He talks now of finding people to form a band and getting back to music. I like this change.

I find lately I've been staring at Roger longer and harder. I feel like I'm more alive when I'm near him. It's like my emotions reach deeper into my soul. I don't have that experience with anyone else and it confuses me. Maybe it's attraction, but I've never looked at guys in that way before. Do I like Roger? Do I love him? I think I'm going to look into this further.

Mark

February 23, 8:00 PM EST

Dear Angel,

It may not be love, but I'm definitely attracted to Roger. A couple of weeks ago I inadvertently walked in on him in the shower and I...reacted. I can hear you giggling over my discomfort in talking about what Collins would call a "perfectly normal physical reaction." Luckily, he didn't notice.

Ever since then, I constantly think of Roger. I dream of him at night. I find myself getting aroused from hearing his voice when he writes a new song. I don't want to complicate our friendship, plus I don't think he would be comfortable because I'm a guy. Yeah, gender shouldn't matter when it comes to love, but it's confusing as hell for me. I feel like part of who I am has been shaken somewhat. I've never considered the possibility of being anything but straight, but the little voice inside my head sounds suspiciously like my mother. Did you always know that you liked men or did you suddenly realize it one day?

Then there's the issue of HIV. Roger has told me he could never be with anyone negative. He'd feel too guilty if they got sick. Now don't get me wrong, Angel. I'm not going to do anything stupid. I don't even have the guts to tell Roger that I'm looking at him like that.

Mark.

March 27, 11PM EST

Dear Angel,

It's been a long time since my last letter. A lot has been going on.

First, I got a call from Cindy that she was coming to pick me up. She arrived an hour later and whisked me to Scarsdale. My mother was dying. Cancer. She had hidden it from me, saying she didn't want me to worry. Cindy left me at the hospital to talk with her. She told me she was proud of everything I had done and of the man I've become. Then she said something really strange. She said, "Mark, all I want in life is for you to be happy. Don't worry about pleasing me, or your father. Do what you need in order to find happiness. Promise me, you won't sacrifice this in your life." Of course, I promised her. She died two days later, with my father holding her hand and Cindy, her husband, their kids and myself surrounding her.

After you died, I was worried that Collins would just give up and go to be with you. He's found the strength to go on. Unfortunately, my father didn't. An hour after we got back from the funeral, he took a nap and just didn't wake up. I guess he truly died of a broken heart. It was hard, but I have no regrets. We talked in the days before the funeral and had come to terms with each other. He told me he had seen Today 4 U at an independent film festival, so I guess he got to know you a bit in a way. He told me about his side of the family and some of the memories he had with my uncle and grandfather who had died when I was little. I guess he knew in his heart that he wouldn't be around much longer. Cindy's taking care of the estate. We decided to sell the house. She doesn't want it and I don't want to leave New York. Cindy insisted that I take some of the furniture though. She even arranged for a truck to have it delivered to the loft. A few sheets to cover the flowers and the loft is a new place.

Roger was my rock in all this. I made my peace with my parents, but it was still hard. He always knew what to say and would hug me when I needed it. Even thought I've lost a lot lately, he makes me feel complete. I'm a little jealous of the love my parents had for each other. I can't imagine ever loving someone so much that you literally die without them.

Mark

May 31, 10 PM EDT

Dear Angel,

Again, it's been a long time since I took the time to tell you what was going on. I've been doing some soul searching. Since my parents passed on, I found that I've been examining my life, my values and trying to discover who am I. .

I've kept going to Life Support and started talking to Paul about some of the things I write to you about. I've come to realize that in spite of having Maureen as an ex-girlfriend, I've been pretty sheltered in my life. I didn't even know homosexuality existed until I met Collins. Maureen was my first real girlfriend, even though I messed around with Nanette Himmelfarb in high school. Paul helped me realize that I have never initiated a relationship before. I just kind of react to girls' advances.

Looking back, I guess I wasn't all that interested in girls when I was younger. At sixteen, Nanette and I were forced into tango lessons by our parents. We were the youngest participants in the class by about four decades, so it made sense to stick together. She was comfortable to be around, so we stayed paired up outside of the ballroom. It wasn't a deep meaningful relationship or anything, more like friends with benefits. We parted ways for college. At Brown I was too busy trying to pass classes I hated so I didn't date. Every couple of months, Benny dragged me out to a club or something, but I usually went back to the dorm room alone. Benny wouldn't turn up for a day or two. I think I may have had sex once in the four years I was at college. I didn't really have a girlfriend until Maureen, and as you know, with her it's more like she pounces on you.

Collins also helped me realize some things. We were talking about growing up and I asked him about how he came to realize he was gay. He was very open and honest with me and told me about finding himself looking at guys more than girls in gym class, having a crush on his male teachers, staring a bit too hard in the change rooms and all that. He asked me about being straight when I was young, so I told him about Nanette. He looked at me and said, "Well that's all fine and dandy, but didn't you have a crush on anyone? Who did you think about when you jacked off at night?" I told him I didn't really have images, just responded to the feelings. He called me a "repressed albino freak". It hurt until I realized he was right.

As I mentioned before, that little voice in my head sounds remarkably like my mother. Whenever I did anything that would be disappointing to her, I'd feel so guilty. When I finally told this to Collins he gave me that grin of his and said he didn't blame me. Through talking to him and Paul, I realized that I had actually been denying myself sexual feelings. That's why I've been so freaked about feeling attraction to Roger. Sex with Nanette and Maureen wasn't about my attraction to them. It was about responding to what was asked of me.

Clarification came about three weeks later at Life Support. Roger wasn't there for that meeting. He had an audition with his new band. We went around the circle and someone talked about closing off feelings because they didn't fit in with what was normal. It hit me then: that's exactly what I had been doing all my life. When Paul asked if I had anything to contribute, I had an epiphany. I stood up and said told them all of my life I'd been trying to be what other people wanted me to be: a good son, a college grad, an attentive boyfriend. When what I wanted didn't match, I pulled away. When Paul asked what I wanted to do about it I stood up and proclaimed to the room. "I will stop pretending. I'm Mark Cohen. I'm an artist, a film maker, a friend, and a terrible dancer. I'm also gay." Then I sat down.

So I'm out. Everyone was supportive. Collins told me he was proud of me. Maureen didn't even flinch when I told her and Joanne later that night. The only one I still have to tell is Roger.

Mark

June 2, 8:00 AM EDT

Dear Angel,

I'm such a chicken. I still haven't told Roger.

Mark

June 15, 10:00 PM EDT

Dear Angel,

I still haven't told him.

Mark.

June 22, 7:00 PM EDT

Dear Angel,

Before you can ask, no I still haven't told him. I will tonight though. Nearly dying has put some things into perspective. I was hired to film a prom last week. Some of the parents thought it would be a nice souvenir for the kids to have a video from their magical evening. I had no idea it would turn out the way it did. The school was the one that the local kids attend, so I didn't charge too much for my services ... just the cost of the film plus a hundred bucks for my time. The kids were happy and having a good time. I made sure to get a few seconds of everyone when they arrived. What I didn't anticipate was the controversy of one particular couple.

Angel, you remember Ramon from Life Support, right? Well, she's finally come to terms with her identity and now is Ramona. She looked great, resplendent in green tulle . I think you must have inspired the outfit. Her date looked handsome in his tux. Unfortunately, their presence ruffled a few feathers. I could already hear the slurs and slander. We all know them so I won't dignify that by repeating them in a letter. Fists flew, glass shattered and Ramona ended up covered in blood. At first it looked like a scene from Carrie, but then I realized that the blood was her own. I took off my jacket and tried to stop the bleeding. Someone didn't like that too much and hit me over the head, knocking me to the floor. There were shards of bloody glass all over the floor and I went down, then lost consciousness.

I woke up here. The doctors said that the concussion was serious, but I don't have any permanent damage. My back is itchy from the hundreds of cuts on it that are starting to heal. I had to have over a hundred stitches. The school is covering the medical bill. I think they want to be sure that I don't sue.

The worst part is that no one here will touch me directly. They're afraid I'm infected. There was blood on the glass that cut me. Ramona's blood. Infected blood. Now everyone wears gloves when they handle me. The wrote me a prescription for AZT in the mean time. I may get lucky, but it's most likely that I'm positive now. They told me to get tested in a few weeks and then every month for the next six months. I'm scared, but at least I know who I can turn to. I better end this. Roger's coming in a few minutes. I need to tell him tonight.

Mark

June 22, 10 PM EDT

Dear Angel,

It's weird when someone knows you better than you know yourself. When Roger arrived I said I had to talk to him. He sat and waited. I just kind of mumbled for a bit and then he told me to get on with it. So I blurted out, "I'm gay." He looked at me and said, "And you're only figuring this out now? I figured you were gay three days into your relationship with Maureen." Roger's more observant than I ever gave him credit for. He told me that I always check out guys at the bar and that I pay more attention to the patrons of the CatScratch than I do the dancers. I didn't even notice that.

Muttering "No Day but Today" under my breath, I also admitted my attraction to him. He laughed and said, "I should say so. Get your eyes checked while you're here Mark. Either you're blind or just incredibly naive. I've been flirting with you ever since that day you walked in on my shower."

Did you know Roger had a boyfriend before he moved into the loft? We're going to take it slow. I have to wait for my test results, but at least now I can be open and honest with Roger.

Mark.

August 31, 2 AM EDT

Dear Angel,

Roger and I decided to try "dating" when I got out of the hospital. I never knew that he was such a romantic. Our first date was a candlelight dinner on the roof. We had outings to the park, walks by the harbor and even visits to museums while we held hands. We kissed and cuddled on the couch, much to Collins' amusement. I think I finally know what it's like to be head-over-heels in love.

Roger's band is doing well. They're playing some of the bigger clubs now, and have recorded a demo. There's talk that they may actually get a deal with a small label.

I started a new documentary. While in the hospital, I realized that doctors especially treat HIV positive patients as walking diseases. The latex gloves were starting to get to me, so I got Roger to bring me my camera. I'm trying to capture what it's like to be seen as more disease than human. I feel kind of guilty. How many times did I make Roger feel like this when I told him to take his AZT?

Oh, and it's official. I got the letter today with my results. Positive. Even when the first test came back negative, I knew it would change. Surprisingly, I'm Ok. Roger and I went to Life Support after opening the envelope together. I know HIV is a potential death sentence. I am scared of suffering like you and Mimi did, but know that I know for sure, I think I can move past it. It's not the end of my life. It's a beginning.

And I'm not alone. Roger will be there for me until the end. I moved into his room when we got back. In spite of everything that's happened, I've never been more alive.

Mark.

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